Getting kids ready in the morning - whose response-ablity is the schoolrun?

One recent morning, Mary and I had the kids in the car doing the school run, and as usual the pressure was on. Ever since Mary started studying full time, I have had the opportunity to do the school run some mornings. I have a love hate relationship with the school run. It is great being able to spend more time with the kids, but mornings have always been hectic, and now I have an extra four humans to get ready for the day.

This particular morning was nothing too special, we were just following the normal chaotic routine:

Wake the kids up,

feed them breakfast,

wake Joshie up again,

get the kids dressed,

feed Joshie,

get the kids lunches packed,

find Joshie’s shorts,

get the kids to pack their bags,

get ready myself,

wake Joshie up again,

put Joshie’s shorts on for him,

find Joshie’s homework bag,

load the kids up into the car,

find Joshie’s shoes,

put Joshie into the car,

grab a banana for breakfast,

get in the car,

send Joshie back into the house to get his shoes,

start driving,

turn back five minutes later because Joshie forgot a shoe… it was a normal school run.

But as usual the pressure was on - we were five minutes behind schedule and I was determined to make up the five minutes through some efficient driving.

Mary doesn’t like my efficient driving, she tends to describe it as ‘aggressive’ driving.

The kids were in the back playing - loudly - which meant a fight was about to break out. So we raised our voices so the kids could hear us and told them to settle down. Mary and I were tense because we were planning our week and there were some tight deadlines. It’s tricky negotiating traffic and ‘who is going to pick the kids up from school?’ at the same time.

The kids began to fight.

The P-Plater in front of me had just spent literally 35 seconds waiting at the round-about with no cars coming. Were they on their phone?

Joshie started to cry, Isaac had taken his toy. Mary had just proven to me why I needed to be the one to pick the kids up from school.

I could feel my chest tightening. The P-Plater began to move, I looked to my right and I had just enough time to merge before that speeding car arrived.

Mary screamed!

I looked forward and saw that the P-Plater had stopped. I slammed the brakes on and we screeched to a halt - just inches before we touched their ‘Live in Peace and Love’ bumper sticker.

The kids became quiet.

Mary began to excitedly give me some advice on how I could improve my driving.

I realised I had stopped breathing - so I took a deep breath and my only thought at the time was ‘How was I going to respond to this?’

Everybody has things happen to them, but it isn’t the events in our life that define us - it’s how we respond to them that defines us.

This reminds me of a story of a rich and successful businessman. The businessman had spent much of his life not only building a great company - but he was also recognised for his work in the community. He had built shelters for the poor, he would serve soup to the homeless, and he was renowned for his generosity.

One day a reporter heard that the businessman had a long lost twin brother, and so after doing some investigation he found the brother living in another city - so he went to interview him. When the reporter met the twin he was shocked to discover he was living on the street and homeless, the twin was also addicted to drugs and alcohol. The reporter was stunned and asked the twin, “how did you end up like this?”

The twin just snarled and scoffed back, “my father ended up on the street, he spent his life making love to a bottle, and every night he would abuse his kids - how did you expect me to turn out?”

After spending a few hours with the twin the reporter returned home and the next day made an appointment to see the rich businessman. As he sat down he asked him, “sir - how did you end up like this?”

The businessman looked at him kindly and said softly, “my father ended up on the street, he spent his life making love to a bottle, and every night he would abuse his kids - how did you expect me to turn out?”

Stephen Covey says that one of the greatest gifts we have is the ability to respond. We are Response-able.

So this year I have been intentional about how I respond to the events in my life. How will I respond to things like when the school-run gets stressful?

One of the best things I have done is to prepare my response in advance. Mary and I have found that the best way to start the day is the night before. Wash the kids uniforms and have them laid out, pack the kids lunches and leave them in the fridge overnight, and make sure we have the little things like enough milk and bread for breakfast.

But the best thing I have begun to do is to prepare my heart’s response. I know that the kids are going to fight and argue, I know there will be traffic, I know we will still be running late - so I have begun to preempt these events and think about how I will act when they happen.

I am proud to say that after nearly hitting that P-Plater I took a minute to breath and calm my heart and head, and then I apologised.

I apologised to Mary. I apologised to the kids. And most importantly I apologised to God. Then I thanked Him for giving me another chance.

How is your school run? Share your story below.

Hey Mums and Dads - how are you sleeping? Here's some things you need to know

When was the last time you had a good night sleep? I mean a REAL, good, night sleep? A night without any interruptions? A night without any cries? No nappy changes? No wet beds? No sleep walking? No missing dummies? No kids falling out of beds?

I remember the day I became a parent. My first night sleep was awesome! Seriously.

Mary and I had just been through one of the most beautiful moments anybody can ever have - the birth of our first child. For months, leading up to the birth, sleeping was becoming increasingly difficult because it was getting harder for Mary to get comfortable. The baby inside of her just kept getting bigger. It had been a long pregnancy with lots of waiting, pain, and discomfort - and after 9 months Mary was ready to get that baby out! The due date came and went, and when after 2 weeks later we had no baby, the hospital decided to hurry things along. The induction process however, still took another 3 days. We were admitted to the hospital and spent the final three days just walking, talking, trying to get comfortable, and trying to somehow find a way to rest.

Mary was exhausted.

Finally the moment arrived and our son James was born at 2am on the 18th July. After a few hours of measuring and checkups, Mary was sent to the maternity ward for a well earned rest. After 9 months of discomfort - she would finally get a chance to sleep.

So I went home and did the same. I think I slept for at least 8 hours. Heck - I had earned it!

But it was only when I got back to the hospital and saw Mary’s face, that I realised her “good night’s sleep” had lasted only 30 minutes.

There are 2 similarities between Children and Terrorists:

1. they do not negotiate, and
2. they use sleep deprivation as torture.

There are hundreds of reasons why parents are sleep deprived - but they all stem from the same source - responsibility. Not only do parents have a responsibility to tend to the physical needs of their children during the night, but they also start to stretch and grow their own personal capacity so that they can help their kids be the best they can be.

Parents have a lot to do, and since time is a limited resource, sleep ends up being sacrificed on the altar of productivity. Time waits for nobody.

I remember a time when I was single and at university. I was talking to a mentor friend of mine, Eddy, who was keeping me accountable to some of the goals I had told him I wanted to fulfill. In frustration I blurted out to him that “I just don’t have enough time!” Eddy paused - looked at me - and exploded with laughter! Anybody else would have thought I was Jimmy Fallon and Will Ferrell wearing tight pants. Eddy was laughing pretty hard, but eventually he managed to spit out the words, “Jamie - you have no idea.”

This Blog post is dedicated to all those Parents out there who dream for a bigger and better future for their kids. This goes out to the heroes who, after feeding, washing, and putting their kids to sleep, will burn the midnight oil to get the job done - and then get up three times during their 5 hour nap to tend to their crying kids. This is for the parents who know that R.E.M. is literally a dream. But the song “Everybody Hurts” is not.

Mums and Dads, everywhere, I salute you - and everytime I talk to a parent like you chasing their dreams - I am inspired and motivated to do the same.

However, my message to all you Mums and Dads out there is that we need to remember the old adage of the Tortoise and the Hare.

We all know the story of the race between the Tortoise and the Hare, and how the Hare - being far quicker than the Tortoise - stopped to take a rest halfway through the race and fell asleep. The Tortoise kept plodding along, eventually overtaking the Hare, and ultimately beat it to the finish line.

The problem with the Hare was not so much the fact he fell asleep, but that he went too hard, too fast. Whenever we do that as parents we may temporarily get ahead of our schedule - but exhaustion soon overcomes us - and we are forced to rest through sickness or injury.

I have set some goals for myself this year, and one of the key goals is to go to bed at bedtime. It might sound childish but this has been an amazingly effective Productivity Hack. By recognising that sleep is crucial to being effective in other areas of my life, I have had to think hard and make even harder choices about what to do with my time.

So, gone are the nights of stuffing around on social media, gone are the nights where I feverishly throw an all nighter to reach a last minute deadline, gone are the nights where I will sit in front of my laptop - falling asleep - taking 3 hours to do something that would have taken me only 30 minutes to do in the morning.

In order to get the job done I have switched from having late nights to doing early mornings. Most nights I still get up a few times to tend to the kids, but I am feeling way more refreshed, a lot more productive, and have been heaps more happier.

I have realised that even though late nights make you feel like you are getting more done, inconsistency and exhaustion will always take over and make you stop. So I have decided to be like the Tortoise and be more consistent. I just keep plodding along, getting to bed on time, getting up early, and getting the job done.

How much sleep are you getting?

Leading Kids: How to get your Kids to Yes

Why is it that one of the first words that kids learn to say is NO? 

Just today I was talking with my daughter Hannah and I asked her, “Are you a pretty little girl Hannah?” 

“NO”

“Are you a pretty Big Girl then?”

“NO”

“Are you a pretty Baby Girl?”

“No No NO!”


Have you ever experienced the frustration of having a child refuse to follow your lead? I have - both as a parent and as a teacher. Early in my career I found I would spend most of the lesson in constant battles with kids, and these kids would simply refuse to follow my lead. However, things have now changed and since those early days I now have much more success in leading kids - and all from an unlikely source of inspiration - the Pied Piper of Hamelin.

The story of the Pied Piper talks about a rat plague in the Town of Hamelin in 1284. One day a mysterious man appeared and he promised to rid the town of all the rats, for a price that is. The town agreed and so the man pulled out a pipe and began to play music. As he played his tune all the rats in the town began to follow him. He walked out of the town, into the river, and the following rats were then washed away. The stranger returned to the town but when he asked for his payment the town refused to pay. The piper left the town angrily - vowing to return and exact his revenge. So on the 26th June, the stranger returned with his pipe and once again began to play, but this time he attracted all the town’s children. He walked out of town and into the mountains - and the children were never seen again.

As horrific as this story is, I was always fascinated by the Piper’s ability to lead the kids with an almost magical power. I have learned that there are 2 kinds of people with power - managers and leaders. Managers get behind people and drive them forward through compliance, Leaders get in front of people and draw them through an inspirational vision. Managers do things right, Leaders do the right things.

The Pied Piper was a very effective leader. He didn’t force kids to make decisions, they simply moved along, in tow, under his influence.

Imagine having that power and being able to use it for good.

Imagine being able to persuade kids to make great decisions.

Imagine being able to help them step into the God-given purpose they were destined to have!

The thing is, we all have the ability to do this! We can all lead kids in a powerful way, and the way to do this is by creating culture. Creating culture takes a little more time than just pulling out your pipe and playing it - but creating culture is far more powerful because the culture begins to grow and multiply. When you create culture it doesn’t stop with you. In the right environment you will get kids to say yes without them even knowing it. Culture is powerful.

Leaders can set the culture in any environment by establishing clear expectations, and in order to do this the leader needs to have a Vision of what they want the environment to look like. This can be harder than it sounds because it is much easier to know what you DO NOT want rather than figuring out exactly what you DO want.

It is then important to Communicate the expectations - and to do so repeatedly.

Vision leaks.

Kids forget things.

Most often kids just aren’t listening. So the expectations need to be repeated.

Then the final and possibly the most important step is to Focus. We get so distracted by the behaviour that we DO NOT want to see that we lose sight of the things that we DO want to see. So we need to keep our focus on the behaviour we are expecting and to keep reminding them.

Leaders make use of something that Psychologists call “Social Proof”. Social Proof is when people look to see what other people are doing before they make a decision, so this means that kids will make decisions that align with what everyone else is doing.

One of the ways that we are building a Yes culture in our house is by reminding our kids that they need to say "Yes Mummy", and "Yes Daddy". Our kids saying "NO" to a clear instruction is just not an option. We expect our kids to say yes, and we know it will happen. So whenever we have an issue with our kids, one of the most important things they need to do is say "Yes". We will always bring the conversation back to the expectation of a Yes response, and we focus on the importance of language. Ultimately, the words kids say will determine their destiny.

The final secret to building a Yes Culture is to give the Kids many chances to say yes. Too often we, as leaders, will demand immediate compliance and so we immediately give the kid an ultimatum - either do it our way, our suffer the consequence. Unfortunately we tend to go straight for the big guns and if the kid doesn’t say Yes straight away, they will get the full force of the major consequence. We back them into a corner and don’t give them a chance to save face, and when this happens there is no win-win available. When there is a win-lose scenario, somebody always loses.

Always give your kids more options - there is always more.

What are some ways that you lead your kids behaviour? I am always trying to be a better parent and so would love to hear some of your ideas. Leave a comment below.

5 reasons why Kids are Awesome

In Matthew 19:13-15 the story is told of when Jesus encountered a group of kids.

One day some parents brought their children to Jesus so he could lay his hands on them and pray for them. But the disciples scolded the parents for bothering him. But Jesus said, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children.” And he placed his hands on their heads and blessed them before he left.

Kids are amazing! It is very easy to take them for granted and forget the difference they make in our world, and in the lives of others. Too often we allow ourselves to get too busy for our kids and we can easily neglect them.

We need to remind ourselves of Jesus’ heart for and passion for making a difference in kid's lives. Jesus consistently made time for kids – and by remembering the reasons why He loved kids – we can make time for them too.

Kids are honest

Kids are some of the most genuine beings on the planet and simply cannot hide what they are thinking and feeling. They wear their heart on their sleeve and their foot in their mouth. It can be the most frustrating thing being in public and hearing your child casually comment about the amount of hair on that old lady’s face. Or even more frustrating hearing your child pour out their sadness at losing a game of monopoly – like my competitive son James who will literally cry for 25 minutes straight.

However, the impact of a child’s honesty is never more powerful when they look you in the eye and tell you they love you. Or tell you that you are the best mummy or daddy in the world. A whole day’s worth of stress and frustration will melt away with a quietly whispered “I love you daddy. Sweet dreams.”

Kids are underdogs

Throughout history, whenever a humanitarian crisis arose, the first to suffer would be the children. Adults are the gatekeepers to resources and when times get tough we naturally look after ourselves. Heck – flight attendants insist we place the oxygen mask on ourselves before we put it on anybody else – and this is the right thing to do, because you can’t help anybody else if you need help yourself. But it just proves that kids are at the mercy of others, and are life’s underdogs.

Kids need heroes. Kids need heroes to save them, heroes to protect them, and heroes to inspire them. Jesus is the greatest superhero of all. Bringing help to the helpless, hope to the weary, and life to the lost.

Kids are pure

Kids put their lives into other’s hands very easily. If we are not careful, kids will casually cross a busy road without looking for cars. From the moment they are born children are dependent on others around them, so from the beginning they are brought up to naturally trust others around them. Kids are innocent and pure, and so are susceptible to being led astray. Their inclination to trust makes it all the more important that we, as their parents and carers, find ways to protect them and lead them through childhood in a safe and loving environment.

The thing is – this is not necessarily a bad thing, and in fact it’s actually a good thing. The fact that kids are so trusting reminds us as adults that we are vulnerable and dependent on God. As adults we easily believe the lie that we are in control, that we determine our destiny, and that we call the shots – and this couldn’t be farther from the truth. The older I get the more I am learning how precious, frail, and delicate life is. Any moment could be our last breath – which is a powerful reminder that we are still walking along, hand in hand, with our Creator. He helps us cross the busy road every step we take, and children are a beautiful reminder as to how, and why, we should trust God.

Kids are fun

Kids are full of energy! They can drive us nuts with their incessant demands and overwhelming needs for constant attention, but they definitely make life full – and I would have it no other way. We can easily get irritated by the amount of noise and energy that comes from kids, but we need to remember that they are not doing anything wrong, it’s just that our energy cycles are different to theirs.

Adults tend to have a 12 hour energy cycle. I have my greatest energy from 9am – 12pm then I have a minor low from 3 – 5 pm, with another minor high from 7 – 9pm, and then my lowest energy levels will be from 12 – 4am. Children have a much shorter cycle, and depending on their age, their cycle can be as short as 2 hours, to around 4 – 6 hours.

Unfortunately, the best time I have to spend with my kids are always times when my energy levels are low, but I can make the most of it by planning ahead and having things already prepared for them to do. That way I will already know that we are going for a walk to the park after school and I don’t need to stress about trying to make decisions about what we are going to do.

Besides – we were born to have joy. Just yesterday I was able to snap myself out of a grumpy mood by sitting on the couch and laughing and tickling my daughter Hannah. She really is her ‘Father’s Joy’.

Kids are full of potential

Kids are a blank canvas. They have their whole life set before them and the sky is the limit. It is a unique and honoured position to be able to speak into the life of a child.

Every adult can think back to a time when they were a child and a grownup came alongside them and significantly impacted their world. Just like when my High School Baseball Coach came along side me one day and said that I was a leader, and that he thinks I have the potential to make a difference.

As adults, we do the same thing for the kids we encounter every moment during the day. Let’s live lives that kids will remember, and remember the moment that their lives changed.

Children are a Blessing

Psalm 127 says that Children are a Blessing and a Gift from the Lord. After having 4 kids I can undoubtedly say that this is true. Since we became parents over 9 years ago, our life has always been full of joy, laughter, meaning, and purpose. Every time we had another child, our blessings grew – not only did we experience the fullness and satisfaction of having children – but we grew as people.

Sleep deprivation stretches you to limits that you never dreamed were possible. The selfishness of kids and the forced selflessness (in most cases) of parenthood teaches you things about yourself you never realised were there. It also gives you glimpses of a far deeper love that exists. A love that can only come from our Heavenly Father.

So let us remember, like Jesus did, how amazing kids are – and the reasons why we love them.