Ever feel like an angry parent? This is how to beat anger.

It seemed like my parents were always angry at me when I was growing up as a kid, and I remember thinking that when I became a parent, I was going to be nice and awesome. 

As it turns out, I may be nice and awesome, but I am still a lot like my parents - and I get angry at my kids. I don’t get angry that often, but if you are like me, you know that you get angry more than you would like. Here are a couple of reasons why we get angry as parents, and what we can do about it.

Willpower

Have you ever wondered why you can be in the middle of an argument with your spouse or kids, but as soon as there is a knock on the door - you stop and greet the visitor with a smile as if nothing ever happened? The reason is because anger can be controlled. You can switch it on and off if you have the willpower to do so. But why is it that we can control our anger in public, but in private we don’t? Why do we save our anger for those that we love most?

The answer has less to do with anger, and more to do with willpower.

Mark Muraven once created an experiment that tested people’s performance after they used different levels of willpower. The results were remarkable. Subjects that were permitted to eat freshly baked cookies prior to the test, performed far better than subjects who were not permitted to eat the cookies. What Muraven discovered is that willpower is like a muscle, and like every muscle it gets tired.

It reveals why it can be so hard to go to the gym, eat healthy, or write a Blog post after we come home from work. During the work day we use up a lot of our willpower doing things we would rather not be doing, and then when we get home there's not much willpower left. That lack of willpower is what makes it so hard to control our anger, and explains why it’s easier to have an outburst of anger with our loved ones in private, rather than in public.

You are Hurt

Anger stems from a feeling that somebody owes you. Andy Stanley describes that anger is an Enemy of the Heart, and that the root of anger is the perception that something has been taken from you. If you are an angry parent, it is because you have been hurt. And as we all know, hurt people hurt people. 

Every time a child disobeys their parent - there is an overwhelming feeling of hurt. Not only has the parent done so much for the child, but the parent genuinely knows what is best for the child and they get hurt when they see their children making bad decisions. 

But hurt comes from many sources, with every relationship there is a potential for pain. Pain can come from spouses, friends, employers, anyone we encounter. We carry that pain wherever we go - and because they hurt us, we feel like they owe us. And I will admit that there has been more than once when I have yelled at my children out of frustration and pain that was caused by somebody else.

So it’s clear that as parents it is easy to get angry. But what can we do about this?

Forgive

The only way to eliminate anger is to forgive. If you feel like somebody owes you and you keep holding out for payment, you are prolonging the pain. Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die, the only person that suffers is you.

The key to forgiveness is action. It is very nearly impossible for us to change how we feel, but it is very possible for us to change what we do. It could be something as little as writing a letter to yourself, blessing the other person with a small gift, or saying a small prayer. But whatever it is - you need to do something. And you will need to do something again, and again. It takes time, but eventually the proactive action you take in forgiving others will change your heart, and the feeling of forgiveness will soon take over any anger you feel.

Look after yourself

Any time you go on a plane the flight steward will advise you that in case of an emergency you must always fit the oxygen mask to yourself before attempting to help anybody else. You need to look after yourself. It is probably time to take a good, hard, look at your calendar and see when you have time out for yourself. If there is none - lock something in now. Plan to get more sleep, plan to make exercise a priority, and plan your use of time, money, and resources so that it is spent on you and not just your kids. Go and have fun! It can be anything you enjoy doing, sport, movies, books, food, holidays, exercise, shopping - anything. As long as you are being intentional with putting some time aside for yourself.

Don’t ignore your needs. You can’t help anybody if you are the one who needs help.

Embrace the stretch

If we are to control our anger we need to increase our willpower, and like any muscle, willpower needs to be exercised. Don’t be afraid of taking on a challenge because if we to play it safe we will find our willpower will decrease.

I remember how hard life was when we had our first child. Everything was impossible - shopping, cleaning, eating, travelling in the car - everything. Now that we have four kids we look back at our early days and laugh at our naivety - we now love it when we only have to take one kid to do the shopping!

Embrace the challenges in life and reap the rewards. There is no greater satisfaction than looking back over a life well lived, and seeing how far you have come.

Have you ever been an angry parent? Write a comment below about your experiences.