Ever feel like an angry parent? This is how to beat anger.

It seemed like my parents were always angry at me when I was growing up as a kid, and I remember thinking that when I became a parent, I was going to be nice and awesome. 

As it turns out, I may be nice and awesome, but I am still a lot like my parents - and I get angry at my kids. I don’t get angry that often, but if you are like me, you know that you get angry more than you would like. Here are a couple of reasons why we get angry as parents, and what we can do about it.

Willpower

Have you ever wondered why you can be in the middle of an argument with your spouse or kids, but as soon as there is a knock on the door - you stop and greet the visitor with a smile as if nothing ever happened? The reason is because anger can be controlled. You can switch it on and off if you have the willpower to do so. But why is it that we can control our anger in public, but in private we don’t? Why do we save our anger for those that we love most?

The answer has less to do with anger, and more to do with willpower.

Mark Muraven once created an experiment that tested people’s performance after they used different levels of willpower. The results were remarkable. Subjects that were permitted to eat freshly baked cookies prior to the test, performed far better than subjects who were not permitted to eat the cookies. What Muraven discovered is that willpower is like a muscle, and like every muscle it gets tired.

It reveals why it can be so hard to go to the gym, eat healthy, or write a Blog post after we come home from work. During the work day we use up a lot of our willpower doing things we would rather not be doing, and then when we get home there's not much willpower left. That lack of willpower is what makes it so hard to control our anger, and explains why it’s easier to have an outburst of anger with our loved ones in private, rather than in public.

You are Hurt

Anger stems from a feeling that somebody owes you. Andy Stanley describes that anger is an Enemy of the Heart, and that the root of anger is the perception that something has been taken from you. If you are an angry parent, it is because you have been hurt. And as we all know, hurt people hurt people. 

Every time a child disobeys their parent - there is an overwhelming feeling of hurt. Not only has the parent done so much for the child, but the parent genuinely knows what is best for the child and they get hurt when they see their children making bad decisions. 

But hurt comes from many sources, with every relationship there is a potential for pain. Pain can come from spouses, friends, employers, anyone we encounter. We carry that pain wherever we go - and because they hurt us, we feel like they owe us. And I will admit that there has been more than once when I have yelled at my children out of frustration and pain that was caused by somebody else.

So it’s clear that as parents it is easy to get angry. But what can we do about this?

Forgive

The only way to eliminate anger is to forgive. If you feel like somebody owes you and you keep holding out for payment, you are prolonging the pain. Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die, the only person that suffers is you.

The key to forgiveness is action. It is very nearly impossible for us to change how we feel, but it is very possible for us to change what we do. It could be something as little as writing a letter to yourself, blessing the other person with a small gift, or saying a small prayer. But whatever it is - you need to do something. And you will need to do something again, and again. It takes time, but eventually the proactive action you take in forgiving others will change your heart, and the feeling of forgiveness will soon take over any anger you feel.

Look after yourself

Any time you go on a plane the flight steward will advise you that in case of an emergency you must always fit the oxygen mask to yourself before attempting to help anybody else. You need to look after yourself. It is probably time to take a good, hard, look at your calendar and see when you have time out for yourself. If there is none - lock something in now. Plan to get more sleep, plan to make exercise a priority, and plan your use of time, money, and resources so that it is spent on you and not just your kids. Go and have fun! It can be anything you enjoy doing, sport, movies, books, food, holidays, exercise, shopping - anything. As long as you are being intentional with putting some time aside for yourself.

Don’t ignore your needs. You can’t help anybody if you are the one who needs help.

Embrace the stretch

If we are to control our anger we need to increase our willpower, and like any muscle, willpower needs to be exercised. Don’t be afraid of taking on a challenge because if we to play it safe we will find our willpower will decrease.

I remember how hard life was when we had our first child. Everything was impossible - shopping, cleaning, eating, travelling in the car - everything. Now that we have four kids we look back at our early days and laugh at our naivety - we now love it when we only have to take one kid to do the shopping!

Embrace the challenges in life and reap the rewards. There is no greater satisfaction than looking back over a life well lived, and seeing how far you have come.

Have you ever been an angry parent? Write a comment below about your experiences.

5 Reasons why a Messy House can be a Blessing

Is your house a mess?

There are many reasons why your house may be a mess right now. 

You might have just moved out of your mum and dad's place for the first time, and the sheer weight of responsibility that comes with wearing the world on your shoulders could be just a little overwhelming right now.

You might have just literally moved house. Moving is always messy.

Or maybe you just don't like cleaning? If that's the case, it could be time to take a good hard look at yourself.

But more than likely you are just like me, and most other Australians, who are having a go at life - people who are pounding out daily responsibilities such as multiple jobs, kids, bills to pay, people to meet, and countless other mind numbing, sleep depriving, life testing tasks which make the daily grind literally a Daily. Grind.

If that is you - I want to tell you that everything is OK. It's OK to have a messy house. Here's 5 reasons why:

1. You are busy

Sometimes we forget that being busy can actually be a good thing. it means that you are hoping for and working towards something more. Something bigger than yourself.

It means that you are reaching beyond your capacity, stepping out, refusing to accept the status quo, and you are making the most of the cards you have been dealt. In short - your are leaving your mark on this world and making a difference.

Here's a thought - if you feel like you are succeeding, then your goals aren't big enough. 

It takes a strong type of person to place themselves in a vulnerable position where they are forced to grow. 

People like to feel confident, like they are winning, like they are something special - so they will stay in their comfort zone and never dare to venture out of it. Little do they realise that their fear of failure steals success before their very eyes. A big fish in a small pond lives in a small, satisfied, but very disappointing world.

If you are busy, my guess is that you are having a go at life, and stretching a little beyond your comfort zone. Take a bow my friend - you ought to be congratulated - because you are taking the path less traveled, precisely because it is the more difficult path to choose. So if your house is messy - just remember the real reason why - and that is because you are grabbing life by the horns and you are wrestling with it wholeheartedly. That takes guts. 

2. There is life in the house 

If you are like me, then the number one reason why your place is a mess is because you have small children. When you have small children, inanimate objects move. All. The. Time.

Nothing stays still. 

Then when you go visit somebody who doesn't have little children, you marvel how the keys stay in the drawer, you wonder how the remote doesn't end up on the bathroom floor, you are dumbstruck by the thought that if you were to look under the cushions, on top of chairs, and in your shoes - you would find absolutely NO sultanas. None at all!

But when I do take my kids to my parent's house, they smile and laugh and actually enjoy the mess that is being created before their very eyes. They ENJOY it! And that's because to them, their house is finally alive once more.

Its easy to forgot what life looks like, but it is easily noticed when it disappears.

You see my parents have seven children. We grew up in a big house with many rooms and numerous hiding places. As a kid I would walk around my house and constantly find people everywhere. It was noisy, it was dynamic, it was a beautiful mess.

But now when I go to my parents house during the week it is eerily silent. Everyone has moved out and begun their own journeys. I walk around on my own and there is no laughter, no conversation, no arguing, yelling, or tears. Just quiet. 

So I think I am beginning to understand why my parents like it when I bring my kids over to their place. It makes the house young again. The place becomes filled with joy, laughter, and love.

A messy house means the place is alive with messy children. 

And as I reflect on this - I begin to thank God desperately for giving me something as beautiful as a messy house.

3. Somebody, somewhere, has discovered something 

Ever visited your Grandmother and just started opening old cupboards and drawers? One man's trash really is the next man's treasure. My Grandma has old photos, old tools, old broken appliances, and old musty clothes - all with a colourful story to tell, all with a history that is interwoven with my story, and the story of my children.

This love of discovery is the very reason why children obsessively pull objects out of drawers, and cupboards, and sinks, and trashcans... don't judge me.

Every time a child pulls something out of a cupboard they walk with it along the hallway and begin to imagine that the paper clip in their hand is really the missing key to the secret room at the back of the garage, and that once they turn the key three times and say the magic word then the door will open to reveal mountains of hidden treasure, jewels, and gold. Then they will finally be able to take it all and afford to buy a 30 cent cone from McDonald's whenever they want.

Children learn from play. When children make a mess their neurons clash, connect, and form new ideas that lead to the foundation of understanding deep theoretical concepts that can only be revealed during humanity's unique pursuit of truth. Newton's Laws of Physics, Smith's 'Invisible Hand', and Einstein's theory of relativity are all messy ideas. But they all began in the messes of their baby play pen.

Just as I was writing these ideas down, my daughter, while sitting in my lap, reached across the table, grabbed a piece of cake, and instead of eating it - decided to pull it apart and feel the texture of the cake in her fingers. My daughter knows how to make a mess, but the mess she makes now, is just the start of something beautiful later.

4. There is a time for mess

Mess is cyclical. It happens, then it gets cleaned, then it happens again, and then - yep, you guessed it, it will get cleaned again. Mess happens day in and day out. It happens on the workshop floor, it happens on your desk, it happens in your car. But wherever mess happens, it will get cleaned up.

We never clean up mess thinking it will never happen again. In fact, we clean up the mess in spite of knowing that it will happen again. And happen soon.

We always clean our house when we know that we will be having guests. We take our time. We do it properly. We make everything neat and tidy. In fact the house looks better for our guests than it ever will for just us. We pour a whole lot of energy into cleaning our house knowing full well that during the visit the house will get messy again, and will immediately require cleaning again.

There is a season for everything. “For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up.” Ecclesiastes 3:1-3 NLT

I sometimes catch myself just following my kids around picking things up literally as they have just dropped it. While I am cleaning up the mess they have just made, they take four steps and make another mess. Right there and then. The worst part is this will happen four times in a row - and I catch myself and realise that I am wasting everybody's time. There is a time for mess, and a time for cleaning.

As humans we have taken too much liberty in our ability to impact an outcome, and we have lost our appreciation for the seasons. There are times in this life where we need to learn to wait. 

But we resist. We need a solution, and we need it now. Am I hungry? I will just drive through and get something now. Am I unhealthy? I can just buy some artificial stimulants to prop up my body now. Am I poor? I can just tap into my line of credit now. Is my Industry at risk? The government can intervene and stimulate it now.

Some things were meant to take time - and we need to take time for some things. We need to lean into the seasons and ride the waves that take us up and down. Stop taking shortcuts and embrace the journey. Surfers know when it is the right time to stand up on the board and lean into the wave. Its all a matter of timing.

There is a time for mess, and we need to embrace that time and put it to its proper use. At these times we need to pause and enjoy the moment.

And there is a time for cleaning. Cleaning can be tedious, it is routine work - but it is a known. We can measure how long it takes to clean, and then we can factor a buffer into our day to get the job done. Knowledge gives us confidence, confidence motivates us, motivation energises us. We can then do everything well, at the right time, in the right season.

5. Mess is an opportunity

Mess is an opportunity to make a difference in your house, and it is also an opportunity to teach our kids responsibilities.

But mess can also be an opportunity to make a real difference in your life.

If you are choosing not to clean because there is a harder and more important task that needs doing - you are fighting a battle in your mind. And you are winning.

The battle of 'self-talk' is one of the most important battles we will ever face. And this battle always occurs when life is at its toughest moment. When times are tough the mind can become messy and confusing. It can be hard to know what is right and what is wrong. Confidence ebbs and wains, emotions rise and fall. 

The people who win the battle of self-talk are those who have a clear picture of the future that produces passion. They have vision. And when the going gets tough they simply lean back onto that vision and let the vision make the choice for them.

So a messy house is a good thing, because if you know the house is messy - then it is clearly bothering you. And if you are clearly bothered by it but you are compelled NOT to clean up the house because you are currently working on a higher priority - then that messy house is teaching you one of the most powerful lessons you could ever learn - perspective.

Nothing brings up the value of a choice like the price paid for it.

Life is messy

Quite frankly - life itself is messy. No matter how hard you try, the best plans always come undone. There will always be the unexpected bill that arrives, there will always be the car that brakes down, and there will always be the sickness and virus that hits your family like a freight train. 

Life. Can. Be. Messy. 

And that's a good thing, because sometimes the most beautiful things are messy. 

Art is messy. It never really made much sense to me. For the first 30 years of my life I often looked at art as just a bunch of stuff thrown together.

Pointless. Wasteful. Messy. 

But now when I look at art, I see how beautiful it is.

Life can be messy - but that's the beauty of it. 

The sun always shines brighter after a rainy week. When the lows are low, the highs get higher. And you never really, truly, know how much you have - until you have lost it.

Life can be messy. But messy can be beautiful.

Lean in.

What are some of the random places your kids have left things? I'd love it if you left a Comment Below.

A Force to be Reckoned With

The Force is a Farce
There is a scene from 'Stars Wars V: Empire Strikes Back' where Luke Skywalker is trapped in ice - and he needs to cut himself free in a hurry. As he looks around he sees his Light-sabre sticking out of the ice, way out of reach. Knowing that this is his only chance of survival he closes his eyes, reaches out, and conjures up all the knowledge of 'The Force' that he has to make it move.

I live that moment daily. There are so many things I want to achieve in this life that are just out of reach - whether it be the remote, a cookie, or maybe my 16 month old baby girl running out the front door - everything seems to be just out of reach. And no matter how hard I try to use it, the Force just isn't there. And no matter how long I sit there for - I need to get up off my chair and make that cookie get into my hand. I am the one that needs to be the force.

Force = Mass X Acceleration
The real reason why the Force is a farce is because of some silly little laws put together by a man named Newton. In his second law Newton states that Force is a direct relationship between the Mass of an Object and the Acceleration it is experiencing, ie. Force = Mass X Acceleration.

So if Luke Skywalker attempts to make an object of Mass attain acceleration - he actually has to apply some force to it, not just stick his hand out and close his eyes.

A Force to be Reckoned with
Leaders understand Newton's 2nd law of motion by default, and that's because leaders make an impact on their environment. For somebody to make a difference there needs to be some sort of change - things cannot remain the same as they were. Leaders make a difference, if they aren't then they are not leading. So good leaders ensure that they make a good impact. 

The amount of impact a leader makes is determined by the formula: Impact = Knowledge X Action.

Knowledge
Leaders need to grow, they need to get bigger, they need to be internalising objective material that helps their world expand.

Put simply - Leaders are Readers. They read books, they read people, they read the times. Leaders get around great people, they ask defining questions, and they listen.

Knowledge is NOT enough
There is a misnomer out there that Knowledge is Power. Knowledge can be powerful, but it cannot make an impact on its own. Knowledge is much like Mass when compared to Newton's 2nd law. Knowledge can bring weight and substance to leadership - but without movement it does nothing. An object with no mass would not exist and would bring absolutely no force. Similarly, leadership without knowledge is impossible.

Action
Action is very much like its little cousin 'Acceleration'. When an object of mass experiences acceleration it becomes forceful. Similarly, when knowledge is put into action it will make an impact. It doesn't matter how big or little action is, it always leaves an impact. Consider the impact a little stream can have, even though there may be only a little bit of water travelling at a slow pace, over time the stream will tear through rock and leave a devastating impact. As long as water moves it will change its environment - as log as leaders are putting knowledge to action they will make a difference. 

A lot of people underestimate the power of action and overestimate the effectiveness of knowledge. I grew up with a lot of people who knew a heap of stuff - but they never did anything with it. Yet there are many others who may have had only a little bit of knowledge or insight to work with - but work with it they did. And over time the consistency of their actions made a lasting impact in their spheres of influence.

The Force of a Wrecking Ball
The combination of knowledge and action determines the impact a leader will leave. And the greater knowledge a leader attains the greater impact they will leave - as long as they put it to work. Never wait for a plan to be perfect before executing it - an imperfect plan that is executed well, is better than a perfect plan not executed at all. 

If you have a go early on you will build momentum with the knowledge you get through experience, and momentum is easily maintained as long as you have consistent forward movement that is greater than the forces acting against it, this is where Newton's first and third laws come into play. By consistently adding to your knowledge, and by persistently putting it to use in practical application - you will build devastating momentum that will leave a lasting impact.

What breakthrough have you seen in your world through consistently putting knowledge into practise? How has Momentum added impact in your level of leadership?

Lean in.

Jamie

The Proactive Reactive: How to Predict your Reaction

A Painful Memory
I got hit in the face with a Baseball once - but the worst part was, I saw it coming the whole way.

It was the end of a big day of representative trials. I was exhausted, my legs were bloodied, and I was finishing the day out on the mound, pitching hard in a trial match. I was doing well, the count was well in my favour against this particular batter, and the Catcher returned the ball to me. 

And I just watched the ball come at me, and straight at my nose. 

I looked like an idiot, and felt like one too - but the simple fact of the matter is I missed the ball. My reaction was too slow, I daydreamed for a split second and I missed the opportunity to catch it, so my nose had a go.

Conditioning
Coaches spend a lot of their time and energy conditioning their players. Conditioning usually means fitness - but it involves a whole lot more. It is often hard to see from the sidelines but as a game goes on, it gets harder. Players run hard and give all they have on the field - so pain thresholds are met and energy levels drop very quickly. Quite often the deciding factor in a game depends on which players have more fuel left in the tank. So coaches will prepare their players for the rigours of competition by ensuring they are fit.

I have no doubt that if my fitness level was higher back then I would not have been hit in the face with a baseball.

Habits
But conditioning is more than just fitness, conditioning is also a great way of forming habits. Charles Duhigg talks about the benefits of Habits in his book "The Power of Habit". We learn habits to become more efficient and save time from making decisions. Imagine how much time you could waste on everyday decisions. What to eat, what to wear, where to go, how to get there. We could spend hours mindlessly debating the pros and cons of thousands of decisions. That is why we automatically do hundreds of little tasks everyday without thinking, through repetition we establish routines in a little part of our brain called the basal ganglia, and this part of our brain controls actions for us subconsciously. As a result we don't need to consciously think about many of the decisions we need to make, because they have been made in advance. We establish habits to save us time.

Coaches thus condition their players with habits so that they will make plays not as a matter of decision, but as a matter of instinct.

I can think of some good instincts that would stop a baseball from hitting my face.

Planning our Reactions
We react to things due to our habits. Our habits are our default reactions, our instincts, that occur when we are not consciously acting. If you are stressed and your kid spills milk everywhere and you react by yelling, it is because you have lost touch with your decision-making ability and you are simply reacting due to your instinct. 

This is possibly why I rudely snapped at the hospital doctor at 5am this morning. 

When you haven't had much sleep because your baby has been sick and crying all night, you are more likely to give an honest rather than a polite answer when the doctor asks you why you brought your baby to the hospital. I would have preferred to have planned a better reaction.

I may not be able to control my reactions, but I can shape my Character.

It is a well known adage that we need to watch our thoughts because they become our words, and we need to watch our words because they become our actions, we need to watch our actions because they become our habits, we need to watch our habits because they become our character, and we need to watch our character because it defines our destiny.

We can shape our character by intentionally leaning into destiny fulfilling thoughts. We shape our character by the books we read, by the people we spend time with, by the questions we ask.

We can set our life on a course that will crystallise into our character - and therefore most of our actions will align with it. We can start to predict our reaction because we know what we are becoming. A proactive reactive.

What is one thing you did recently that could have been a better response? What vision do you have of yourself in ten years time?

You can start to shape your character.

Lean in.

Jamie

The Power of Apprenticing

You only know as much you know. Like most people, I know what I know - and I know it confidently. So when I talk to somebody else who knows something I don’t - I don’t know it.

Know what I am talking about?

Let me explain
I often get into arguments with people who tell me something that I have never heard before. Not because they are wrong, but because what they are sharing exists outside the bounds of my sphere of understanding. And it can be painful when my brain collides with new and contradictory thoughts that need to be reconciled in a new idea. Change is a painful process. It also hurts to hear that you’re wrong.

The Wise Cousin
I grew up in the presence of a wiser, older cousin. He knew stuff. He once explained to me that the way that police know how fast you are going - is through the use of special guns they have that smell the smoke coming out of your exhaust pipe. This led to an interesting conversation with my grade four teacher in front of the class when she started explaining the basics of how radar works. Needless to say she learnt something new. And it was painful.

Be an Apprentice
After learning the hard way several times, I began to realise the importance of following in the jet stream of somebody who has been there an done that before. This is an idea that has been around for thousands of years - being an apprentice.

Get around somebody Great
In order to grow, in order to get better, and in order to learn - we need to be around somebody who exceeds us in knowledge and ability. It is well said that we are the average of the five closest people to us, so we need to be getting around better people.

Ruth 1:16 shows the power that a good leader can have on a good apprentice. As Naomi was trying to convince Ruth to stay behind, Ruth replies “… Don’t ask me to leave you and turn back. Wherever you go, I will go; wherever you live, I will live. Your people will be my people, and your God will be my God.”

Leadership

I read this passage in the book of Ruth the other day and for the first time I saw beyond Ruth’s loyalty, and instead I got a glimpse of Naomi’s leadership. Naomi was an amazingly, inspiring, and motivating person. She knew how to get the job done. When the chips were down, she would lean in and find breakthrough. When resources got scarce, she positioned herself for a win. Naomi was a phenomenal leader - and Ruth wanted a part of it.

Ruth knew that she only knew what she only knew, so she followed Naomi as an apprentice of life. She gleaned and learned from her, and Ruth knew that she would continue to grow and her capacity would expand. 

Ruth was a hard worker - but she learned that from Naomi. Ruth was a gentle, kind, and humble person. Yet she was strong and a determinedly spirited woman - traits she gained from Naomi.

Naomi was a leader - and Ruth was her apprentice. Ruth is one of the most famous woman throughout the history of humanity, and all she did was learn the power of apprenticing - and position herself in Naomi’s jetstream.

Are you inspired by the five closest people to you? Who can you position yourself under to expand your capacity?

Lean in.

Jamie