Just today I was talking with my daughter Hannah and I asked her, “Are you a pretty little girl Hannah?”
“NO”
“Are you a pretty Big Girl then?”
“NO”
“Are you a pretty Baby Girl?”
“No No NO!”
Have you ever experienced the frustration of having a child refuse to follow your lead? I have - both as a parent and as a teacher. Early in my career I found I would spend most of the lesson in constant battles with kids, and these kids would simply refuse to follow my lead. However, things have now changed and since those early days I now have much more success in leading kids - and all from an unlikely source of inspiration - the Pied Piper of Hamelin.
The story of the Pied Piper talks about a rat plague in the Town of Hamelin in 1284. One day a mysterious man appeared and he promised to rid the town of all the rats, for a price that is. The town agreed and so the man pulled out a pipe and began to play music. As he played his tune all the rats in the town began to follow him. He walked out of the town, into the river, and the following rats were then washed away. The stranger returned to the town but when he asked for his payment the town refused to pay. The piper left the town angrily - vowing to return and exact his revenge. So on the 26th June, the stranger returned with his pipe and once again began to play, but this time he attracted all the town’s children. He walked out of town and into the mountains - and the children were never seen again.
As horrific as this story is, I was always fascinated by the Piper’s ability to lead the kids with an almost magical power. I have learned that there are 2 kinds of people with power - managers and leaders. Managers get behind people and drive them forward through compliance, Leaders get in front of people and draw them through an inspirational vision. Managers do things right, Leaders do the right things.
The Pied Piper was a very effective leader. He didn’t force kids to make decisions, they simply moved along, in tow, under his influence.
Imagine having that power and being able to use it for good.
Imagine being able to persuade kids to make great decisions.
Imagine being able to help them step into the God-given purpose they were destined to have!
The thing is, we all have the ability to do this! We can all lead kids in a powerful way, and the way to do this is by creating culture. Creating culture takes a little more time than just pulling out your pipe and playing it - but creating culture is far more powerful because the culture begins to grow and multiply. When you create culture it doesn’t stop with you. In the right environment you will get kids to say yes without them even knowing it. Culture is powerful.
Leaders can set the culture in any environment by establishing clear expectations, and in order to do this the leader needs to have a Vision of what they want the environment to look like. This can be harder than it sounds because it is much easier to know what you DO NOT want rather than figuring out exactly what you DO want.
It is then important to Communicate the expectations - and to do so repeatedly.
Vision leaks.
Kids forget things.
Most often kids just aren’t listening. So the expectations need to be repeated.
Then the final and possibly the most important step is to Focus. We get so distracted by the behaviour that we DO NOT want to see that we lose sight of the things that we DO want to see. So we need to keep our focus on the behaviour we are expecting and to keep reminding them.
Leaders make use of something that Psychologists call “Social Proof”. Social Proof is when people look to see what other people are doing before they make a decision, so this means that kids will make decisions that align with what everyone else is doing.
One of the ways that we are building a Yes culture in our house is by reminding our kids that they need to say "Yes Mummy", and "Yes Daddy". Our kids saying "NO" to a clear instruction is just not an option. We expect our kids to say yes, and we know it will happen. So whenever we have an issue with our kids, one of the most important things they need to do is say "Yes". We will always bring the conversation back to the expectation of a Yes response, and we focus on the importance of language. Ultimately, the words kids say will determine their destiny.
The final secret to building a Yes Culture is to give the Kids many chances to say yes. Too often we, as leaders, will demand immediate compliance and so we immediately give the kid an ultimatum - either do it our way, our suffer the consequence. Unfortunately we tend to go straight for the big guns and if the kid doesn’t say Yes straight away, they will get the full force of the major consequence. We back them into a corner and don’t give them a chance to save face, and when this happens there is no win-win available. When there is a win-lose scenario, somebody always loses.
Always give your kids more options - there is always more.
What are some ways that you lead your kids behaviour? I am always trying to be a better parent and so would love to hear some of your ideas. Leave a comment below.
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